A Compendium of Witticisms

            Let's review the concept of witticisms—what they are and how they are distinguished from aphorisms or adages. A witticism is a clever saying or observation that usually involves a clever turn of phrase or a play on words (pun). Here are two examples of witticisms. The first is by Mark Twain, 19^th century American novelist and humorist.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

            What makes this statement witty? Twain takes a simple proverb—don't put off until tomorrow what you can do today—and puts a twist on it. It's simple and pithy, pointing up our natural propensity to procrastinate.

            Here's another that is reprinted in the text. It is by Mae West, American actress of the 1930s and 1940s, famous for her risqué remarks, characterized by sexual innuendo.

I was as pure as the driven snow—but I drifted.

In this example, Mae West is making a clever and amusing play on words. Snow piles up in drifts, but the verb "to drift" also means to go astray, to go down the wrong path. The first part means that she was pure and innocent, and the second part means that she strayed from that path. But notice that my explanation is completely dull and devoid of any humor. The play on words makes this witticism memorable.

            How are witticisms different from aphorisms or adages. The latter are little moral sayings. They express a truth or an observation, but they generally lack the clever linguistic twists. For example, "A stitch in time saves nine" and "The early bird catches the worm" are aphorisms, but not witticisms.

            Armed with these definitions and analysis, you can now read this list of witticisms and have a good understanding of why they are classified in this way.

"I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue—"No good in a bed, but fine against a wall." (Eleanor Roosevelt)

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now with to withdraw that remark. (Mark Twain)

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce. (Mark Twain)

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, and to have the two as close together as possible. (George Burns)

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.  (Joe Namath)

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. (W. C. Fields)

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. (Will Rogers)

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. (Zsa Zsa Gabor)

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. (Alex Levine)

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. (Herbert Henry Asquith)

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. (Bob Hope)

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. (Billy Crystal)