Marietta’s case, while dramatic, is not unique. In less dramatic ways people work through the appar- ently ironclad logic of revenge and make their way to forgiveness and, in some cases, reconciliation. They make this journey as a result of a complex internal process that may involve numerous steps or sometimes a relatively swift decision. In this chapter, we define forgiveness, discuss misconcep- tions about forgiveness, and address the problem of power imbalance. We discuss the matter of mem- ory and assert that forgiveness is more a choice than an obligation. We present forgiveness as a process and as a decision. We discuss ways that people get stuck in the process, and the need for patience in the journey of forgiveness. Forgiveness is both intrapersonal and interpersonal in nature. Nonverbal gestures may lay the groundwork for forgiveness. An approach to apology is presented with extensive notes on how to receive and give authentic apologies. Reconciliation is defined and explained, acknowledging that it may not always be appropriate. Shriver’s four strands of reconcili- ation are presented in their historical, fictional, and personal applications. In short, people can be aided in their journey toward forgiveness when someone believes the story they are telling; if they remember that revenge, taken to recover a lost sense of honor, may in turn be perceived by others as a new injury to avenge; that empathy can soften the hardest heart; and, finally, by the awareness that we are bound together and all the suffering we cause one another does not remove this fact. At the end of this journey, people say things like, “I found that the stones I wanted to throw simply slipped out of my fingers.” “The gate to a future I could not have imagined simply swung open when I let go of what they did to me. Resentment no longer holds me hostage.” “Like a scarred tree, I’ve begun to heal.” “The journey is not over, but I have started out on the road.”

Using examples from the lives of our stu- dents, from film, fiction, and international rela- tions, we have illustrated some of the challenges inherent in this process. We now see that for- giveness and reconciliation, its close cousin in the next room, are the byproduct of a complex interaction of several factors. Forgiveness that restores us to ourselves and reconciliation that restores us to one another are the result of time; the human desire to transcend injury; the courage to place a violation, betrayal, deception, or some other wound in the larger context of additional experience; and perhaps the mysterious effect of what some call “grace.” When we forgive some- one else or ourselves, or when we are forgiven, we affirm the world is much larger than the injury that dominates our thoughts and feelings. An invisible door opens and we step out onto a stage where it is possible to associate with one another in ways less constricted by old memories. In this light we subjugate the memory of past harm to the hope of a new future. In the face of conflict or injury, we see our mutual vulnerability, our inevitable interdependence, and the need for compassion so all of us may transcend the injuries of the past.