STYLES

Think of two different contexts (A and B) where you have a conflict, disagreement, argument, or disappointment with someone. An example might be someone you live with and a work associate. Then, according to the following scale, fill in your scores for situation A and situation B. For each question, you will have two scores. For example, on question 1 the scoring might look like this: 1. 2|4

Write the name of each person for the two contexts here:

Person A _________ Person B __________

1 = never 2 = seldom 3 = sometimes 4 = often 5 = always

Person | Person

A | B

1. ___ | ___ I avoid being “put on the spot”; I keep conflicts to myself.
2. ___ | ___ I use my influence to get my ideas accepted.
3. ___ | ___ I usually try to “split the difference” in order to resolve an issue.
4. ___ | ___ I generally try to satisfy the other’s needs.
5. ___ | ___ I try to investigate an issue to find a solution acceptable to us.
6. ___ | ___ I usually avoid open discussion of my differences with the other.
7. ___ | ___ I use my authority to make a decision in my favor.
8. ___ | ___ I try to find a middle course to resolve an impasse.
9. ___ | ___ I usually accommodate the other’s wishes.
10. ___ | ___ I try to integrate my ideas with the other’s to come up with a decision jointly.
11. ___ | ___ I try to stay away from disagreement with the other.
12. ___ | ___ I use my expertise to make a decision that favors me.
13. ___ | ___ I propose a middle ground for breaking deadlocks.
14. ___ | ___ I give in to the other’s wishes.
15. ___ | ___ I try to work with the other to find solutions that satisfy both our expectations.
16. ___ | ___ I try to keep my disagreement to myself in order to avoid hard feelings.
17. ___ | ___ I generally pursue my side of an issue.
18. ___ | ___ I negotiate with the other to reach a compromise.
19. ___ | ___ I often go with the other’s suggestions.
20. ___ | ___ I exchange accurate information with the other so we can solve a problem together.
21. ___ | ___ I try to avoid unpleasant exchanges with the other.
22. ___ | ___ I sometimes use my power to win.
23. ___ | ___ I use “give and take” so that a compromise can be made.
24. ___ | ___ I try to satisfy the other’s expectations.
25. ___ | ___ I try to bring all our concerns out in the open so that the issues can be resolved.

Scoring: Add up your scores on the following questions:

A | B	A | B	A | B	A | B	A | B
1. __ | __	2. __ | __	3. __ | __	4. __ | __	5. __ | __
6. __ | __	7. __ | __	8. __ | __	9. __ | __	10. __ | __
11. __ | __	12. __ | __	13. __ | __	14. __ | __	15. __ | __
16. __ | __	17. __ | __	18. __ | __	19. __ | __	20. __ | __
21. __ | __	22. __ | __	23. __ | __	24. __ | __	25. __ | __
__ | __	__ | __	__ | __	__ | __	__ | __
A | B	A | B	A | B	A | B	A | B
Avoidance	Competition	Competition	Accommodation	Collaboration
Totals	Totals	Totals	Totals	Totals

Compare your scores on the styles measure for situation A and situation B. In small groups, address these questions:

1. 1. How many people of your group have relatively consistent styles in different contexts?
2. 2. For those who have different answers, answer this question: “What is it about the two situations that prompts me to use different styles?”
3. 3. As a group, discuss the advantages of using the same style across two different situations.
4. 4. What are the advantages of using different styles across the two situations?
5. 5. Do personal situations and less personal situations call for different styles?

Brent: There is something bothering me.
Janette: I’m way too stressed out to talk about anything right now.
Brent: I’m upset about what you said about me at the party.
Janette: You’re picking on me. Leave me alone! Another time!
Brent: When are we going to talk about things that bug me? You never want to talk if I’m upset.
Janette: You aren’t respecting what I told you about my stress. I’m going for a walk. See you later.

Role-play the couple portrayed above. What could each have done to

• Assert his/her needs even more articulately, while
• Working with the stated needs of the other person?

Which is the best style for use in conflict? Read the four statements below and put a check mark by the one that you feel is the most accurate:

1. Avoidance of conflicts leads to unhappy marriages and work relationships—it just keeps important issues buried.
2. Avoidance of unnecessary conflict helps promote harmony and keeps people from getting involved in unnecessary upsets.
3. The only way to really manage conflict is to work through it by engaging the other person.
4. Engagement in conflict leads to escalatory spirals and hurt for all parties.

Marjorie: Hi, Terry, what’s going on?
Terry: Oh, not much. [He is thinking, “If I say how upset I am, we’ll get into it, and I just want to cool out.”]
Marjorie: You don’t look very happy. [She’s thinking, “I know you’re upset about my mother’s criticism of your job search plans. We might as well talk about it.”]
Terry: No big deal. [“I hope she just lets it go.”]
Marjorie: Are you mad at my mother? [“He must be more angry than I thought. This doesn’t look good. Uh-oh.”]
Terry: Why do you always have to blow everything out of proportion?


The conflict then escalates as they struggle tacitly over whether to engage or avoid. In Application 5.3 we asked you to role-play better options that preserved both individual needs and relational needs. In the case of Marjorie and Terry, discuss how more selfdisclosure could help this couple keep from getting stuck in avoidance, or contain their escalation so the relationship is preserved.

Think of a time when you were threatened, or you used threats. What happened? Looking back, do you think the threats were effective in solving a problem and keeping the relationship intact? Were they harmful? What have you learned about your personal response to using threats or being threatened verbally?

Answer the above five questions, privately first, then with your small group. What did you learn? Is there anything you want to change about your style across various contexts? Maybe it’s time for a change.