Write a brief paragraph about a group (system) you know inside and out. This may be a family, social group, work group, blended family, or any other group. Based on the principles just discussed, answer the following questions:

• What seems to “set off” conflicts? What are predictable trigger events?
• Does anyone have a label that people joke about? How does the label work for that person and the group?
• Who is the most likely person to change—to not do things the same old way?
• Are there any secret coalitions?
• Are there any expectations that now seem crazy, or nuts, to you, but that people more or less follow?
• What if there were no conflicts? Would anything be lost? What?

The conflict then escalates as they struggle tacitly over whether to engage or avoid. In Application 5.3 we asked you to role-play better options that preserved both individual needs and relational needs. In the case of Marjorie and Terry, discuss how more selfdisclosure could help this couple keep from getting stuck in avoidance, or contain their escalation so the relationship is preserved.

Describe families you are part of, using some of the preceding system pattern descriptions.

• Identify the family itself (family of origin, step-family, current family, former family, extended family).
• Who are the members?
• What patterns best describe each family system?
• What are some advantages of each pattern? Disadvantages?
• Choose two or three constructive changes you yourself could put into motion.
• What is the emotional effect on you based on your role in each family system?

1. Parties generate a metaphor for an important conflict, using one of the previous suggestions. Each party writes out their own metaphoric image. (“We are a . . .”)
2. One person shares the image with the group of conflicting parties or the discussion group. The group then asks clarifying questions of the person sharing the metaphor, using the images developed in the original metaphor.
3. The group then brainstorms, still using the imaginary mode, about ways to resolve the conflict. (In brainstorming, you reserve “editing” until later.)
4. The facilitator or leader then asks the group to translate these imaginary resolutions into practical steps for conflict management.
5. The primary party, or the group, then chooses the options that are most likely to lead to collaborative conflict management.
6. After all the conflict parties have repeated this procedure, a contract is made for selected change.

Beth and Ted are a couple who have been intimate for one year. Beth has considered leaving through the National Student Exchange program for one year at a school in Philadelphia, two thousand miles away. She wants to continue the relationship with Ted while at school but also wants freedom to date others. Ted wants a more intimate relationship and feels that can be achieved only if he and Beth can see each other often.



Beth and Ted agree that the following image describes their current attempts to solve their conflict:

We open a messy, heaping cupboard and upon seeing the disorganization and mess, we hurry to slam it shut before all the cans and bottles fall out, injuring one of us.

After following the discussion steps listed above, Beth and Ted agree that a new image will guide them to more productive conflict management:

We open a messy, heaping cupboard. We roll up our sleeves, take all the items off the shelves, clean up, throw out the spoiled goods, and put everything that is left back into a larger cupboard without doors—for easy reorganization.

Margaret, a college student, writes:

My father and I are in a minefield. The sky is blue, the sun is shining, there is green grass and sudden death underneath. Each of us is responsible for some of the mines underfoot, and we have to avoid our own mines as well as those planted by the other person. There are scattered trees and bushes around the field, which is quite large. They provide limited cover. We are each trying to get in close enough to the other to get a good look without being seen.

My father throws rocks at me to try to flush me out into the open. I back around a bush and meet him. Boom! There’s a big explosion—we both flee, wounded, only to begin the standoff over again.

We’re playing poker at a card table covered with green baize cloth, which is hanging down so no one can see under the table. Kevin is the dealer, and he also plays against me. He has the right to change the rules; sometimes I don’t even know the game we’re playing. The stakes are high; my tension mounts as the game progresses. Kevin smiles mysteriously; I hide my feelings, trying to bluff. An audience gathers, encouraging me to get out of such a lopsided game. I always stay for another hand, thinking that this time I’ll understand the rules and have a fair chance. My tension continues to mount.

For some system you know well (your family, your workplace, your social group), draw the coalitions, isolates, and lines of communication. Label the coalitions with a title, including the initials of each person in the coalition. Remember that some people may be in more than one coalition. Draw lines that indicate whether communication is interrupted or flows easily between the coalitions. Now, show your drawing to someone else, without telling him or her the specific content. See what that person can predict about (1) emotions, (2) tactics used, and (3) predictable communication problems.

Choose any of the above steps for your practice. Take 10 minutes or so, and see if you can follow the suggestions. Focus on one particular relationship, and begin to think about, and write, some of the rules that define that relationship. Check with others to see if you understand the way rules are written.

1. Who initiates and in what way?
2. Who responds and in what way?
3. Who else is present but is not identified as a party to the conflict?
4. Does anyone “speak for” someone else? If so, does this keep the participants embroiled in the conflict?
5. If there were no conflict, what would be missing?

a. Who would not be connecting with whom?
b. How would the parties structure their time?
c. Would conflicts continue with new parties entering into the fray?

6. Is the conflict serving to fill emotional space so other parties cannot fight?

Try writing a personal microevent. Think of the brief narrative as a defining moment, one that gives the outline of “This is the way it is in my (family, organization, small group).”

What do you notice as you read the microevent to others? Ask for their feedback in the form of “I notice that . . .” Ask that they give you descriptive, not prescriptive, feedback.