The most important relationships in our lives go through five stages: initiating, experimenting, intensifying, integrating, and bonding. Relationships that remain superficial go through only the first or second stage.

Relationships that come apart also go through five stages: differentiating, circumscribing, stagnating, avoiding, and terminating. When a relationship is ending, the participants often make statements that summarize the relationship and comments that indicate whether the relationship will continue in any form. Many relationships end when a third person intervenes in some way.

There are a number of elements that could be considered essential for good relationships. Among those, we discuss verbal skills, emotional expressiveness, conversational focus, nonverbal analysis, conversational encouragement, care and appreciation, and commitment. On many of these elements, women already have a significant edge with respect to effectiveness, and to level the playing field, men may need to work harder and concentrate more to have an effect on making their relationships successful.

There are communication problems, too, that partners in a relationship must overcome. We discuss aggressive talk and aggression, regrettable talk, criticism and complaints, and defensive communication. Strategies for avoiding defensive communication include describing rather than evaluating, problem solving with a partner rather than trying to control him or her, being spontaneous rather than manipulative, using empathy rather than remaining neutral, aiming for equality rather than superiority, and being provisional rather than certain.

When people evaluate their relationships, they should look at their roles and expectations they have of their partners. As circumstances change, it is important to renegotiate roles. When a relationship is in trouble, it's a good idea to look at costs and rewards. Costs are the problems in the relationship, and rewards are the pleasures.

Several communication strategies can help improve a relationship. Assertiveness helps both partners because needs, thoughts, and feelings must be expressed in a direct, clear manner before they can be acted upon. Empathic listening involves concentrating on the other person's feelings without evaluating what he or she says. It is useful for persons involved in disagreement to use "I" rather than "you" messages, or owned messages.

Using a model of conflict resolution can help reduce conflict in a relationship. The steps involve evaluating the conflict intrapersonally, defining the nature of the conflict with your partner, discussing the goals you and your partner share, deciding on possible solutions to the problem, weighing goals against solutions and deciding on a solution that will reach the goal, and evaluating the solution after some time has passed.

Most of us take relationships for granted, and that is, perhaps, one of the biggest problems in relationship care and maintenance. A relationship that works is one in which there is intimacy and self-disclosure. It is a partnership in which you can solve problems and feel happy you have solved them. But most important of all, a relationship is a psychological space where you and the other person can be your truest selves. One test of a relationship that works is its availability to the other partner in difficult times or times of crisis or challenge. Can you count on your partner for strength and support in such times?