Conflict happens. It is part and parcel of all our interactions—with romantic partners, at work, and with our families. As you study conflict, you learn new responses to these inevitable situations that arise.

Conflict is defined as “an expressed struggle between at least two parties who perceive incom- patible goals, scarce resources, and interference from others in achieving their goals.” We express conflict through our communication, we need others and they need us (interdependence), and we see us and the other as having incompatible goals (and so do they). Finally, in all conflicts the twopartiesinterferewithwhattheother wants.

Destructive conflict damages the parties and theirrelationship.Inmarriages,onecommon destructivepatterniscriticizing,defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt. One way to deal with conflict is to create a supportive rather than a defensive environment, and we detail the specifics of how to do that.

The two main destructive patterns are (1) escalatory spirals and (2) avoidance spirals. After describing these, we give a note of optimism. Conflicts can be productive if handled properly.