Think of the most disturbing conflict you have experienced in the past half-year or so.
What was your emotional response to this conflict? What is your usual response to
conflicts? Do you generally like to get everything out in the open, even if such an effort
creates tension and strong feelings? Or do you usually seek peace, harmony, and reduction
of strong emotions? How would you describe yourself?
Application 2.2 My History With Violence
It is important to begin to think about the influence of violence on your life. Answer
these questions in your own journal, notebook, or with a small group. What influence, if
any, does violence have on your conflict responses? What experiences have you had
with violence, whether verbal, physical, or sexual? If you have not experienced violence
directly, what violent experiences of others have affected you?
Application 2.3 My Influences
List the 10 most important influences on your personal response to conflict, in order of
importance. Keep this list for later discussion of “My Personal Style of Conflict.”
Application 2.4 Emotions in Conflict
What emotions are most common for you when you experience conflict? Think of three
areas of conflict: family, romantic, and work. In each area, list your most common emotions.
If there doesn’t seem to be a set of common emotions, think of one conflict as an
example in each area. How did/do you feel? Be sure to use words of feeling, not judgment
or description.
Application 2.5 An Important Interpersonal
Situation
Think of any situations you may have experienced over more than a few months’ period
of time. You can think of your family, a summer job, a roommate situation, or a sports or
extracurricular experience. Discuss with your small group whether any of these situations
was conflict free. If so, was anything lost? If there was indeed conflict, what might
have been gained? Did anything positive come from the conflict? If the conflict was
destructive, can you think of positive results that might have occurred if the conflict had
been handled differently?
Application 2.6 Don and Heather
What problems, specifically, do Don and Heather face? What are some of the areas that
could derail them? In other words, applying the “three times” rule, what is the conflict
not about? What is the conflict more likely to be about? How could they begin to solve
the problem and make their relationship better?
Application 2.7 What Is Conflict Like?
Before you read further about metaphors and conflict, take a moment to think of how
you generally describe conflict. Finish the sentence “Conflict is like . . .” Then respond to
this open-ended sentence, “Conflict in my family could best be described as . . .” What
are the underlying assumptions of your metaphor(s)?
Application 2.8 Reframing Your Conflict
Think of a conflict you have observed or experienced—possibly one you thought about
earlier in the chapter. First, determine whether any negative conflict metaphor applies to
this conflict. You can think of a negative metaphor of your own, or use one we have presented.
If you stay in the negative framework, what options are available to you for resolving
the conflict? List at least three. Now choose a transformative or neutral metaphor for
“framing” the same conflict. List at least three options that might be available to you if
you envision the conflict in this way. Discuss your results.
Application 2.9“That’s Not What I Meant!”
Think back to a difficult issue that was made more difficult by perceptions that colored
the experience. Remember a time when you were certain that the other person’s motivation
was harmful to you. How did you react as a result of this assumption? What was the
outcome? Was the other ever able to say, “That’s not what I meant at all. I was trying to tell
you . . . ?” What happened to the relationship as a result of these different perceptions?
Application 2.10 Your Cultural History
The United States is culturally diverse. Think about your own cultural history and roots,
whether you and your family have been in the United States for generations or whether
you are recent immigrants. To gain a sense of how pervasive cultural differences are,
think about the neighborhood in which you spent part of your childhood, your fourthgrade
classroom, your experience making a geographical move, or your experience
getting to know friends or new family members from a different cultural background from
your own. Share the results of your reflections with someone from a different culture or
geographical background in your class.
