Lisa (the English teacher): Karen, I want to plan the next six weeks. I am frustrated that you have not come to our last two scheduled conferences. I hope you will be there this Thursday for our planning period. I have laid out a potential calendar.
Karen (the history teacher): You worry too much. It’ll happen. We can wing it.
Lisa: I’m not at all comfortable winging it. I want to use the students’ time well. I would like to meet with you.
Karen: I don’t have time. I’m not the one who wanted to do this block approach. It’s ridiculous and a waste of my time, anyway. So let’s just make the best of it. You do your thing; I’ll do mine.
Lisa: Let me be clear: You don’t like the approach, and you won’t plan with me?
Karen: You are obsessing about this.
Lisa: No. I’m attempting to plan responsibly. If I give you a schedule and topics, will you note in writing, on your own time, what changes you want?
Karen: I really can’t be bothered.
Lisa: Your refusal to cooperate is not acceptable to me. I’m not going to let this go—my teaching is important, and I am not able to cover the material I need to cover. You must know that I am committed to the material, to the students, and to working with you. I am going to ask for help from Jane (the curriculum coordinator).
Karen: Jane can tell me anything she wants, but I’m not wasting my time on this garbage.

I didn’t do it.

She asked for it.

It wasn’t my fault.

I couldn’t help it.

I didn’t mean it.

There’s nothing I can do.

It was just an unfortunate misunderstanding.

It was no big deal.

I had no choice.

Nobody told me.

She is impossible.

No one could work with him.

He’s an idiot.

My own favorite excuses for not communicating directly:

___________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________

One effective management technique to help us break free from avoidance is to write down our complaints, transpose them into requests, and voice the requests to the other person. The object is to clarify for both you and the other what you need from the other, rather than staying stuck in the complaint cycle. Here are some examples:

Complaint	Request
You are too cold.	I need more warmth.
	I need you to look at me when you talk.
	I would like it if you would answer my questions.
You are unprofessional.	You are unprofessional. I want you to answer all my e-mail messages.
	It would work best for me if you would keep yourappointments.

List Your Complaints

List Your Complaints

List some of your angry moments and see if you can “back up” through the anger-fear cycle to assess the threat. Once you have identified the underlying threat, clarify the original communication. The following are examples of fear, threats to self-esteem or well-being, or unjust treatment that might lead to feelings of anger:

1. 1. A woman is angry at her friend for calling her a name in public. (She is fearful of not being accepted by others.)
2. A newly promoted employee is angry because his secretary didn’t get the final report to him on time. (He is afraid that his own supervisor will think he is not working hard enough, and he really needs this job.)
3. A husband is furious that his wife has disclosed their private life to others in a hurtful way. (He is frightened that their bond is no longer strong and that their relationship is ending.)
4. A single parent overreacts to a child’s misbehaving at a family reunion by raising his voice and ordering the child into a time-out. (He is afraid that other family members will criticize his parenting.)
5. An intimate partner casually indicates that she might change her plans and not visit when she had planned. Her partner says, “Well, if you have better things to do than honor your commitments, go ahead.” (He has asked an old friend to visit to meet his significant other and fears looking foolish after speaking in glowing terms about the wonderful woman he wants his friend to meet. He is afraid he is unimportant to her.)

In each of the above examples of anger, analyze what the fear or hurt or point of vulnerability might be by drawing the anger-fear sequence and labeling the drawing.

Angry person: When you leave your clothes on the floor (X) and I have people in after my night class (Y), I feel disgusted (Z).

Recipient: So my clothes on the floor really get you mad? (#1). Does it make you mad all the time or just if people are coming over? (#2). Is this a big deal that bothers you a lot, or is it a minor irritation, or somewhere in between? (#3). Let’s both come up with some ideas. I bet we’ll figure something out (#4). It’s important to me that we give and take because I like having you as a roommate (#5).

Shannon was a 40-year-old woman who had worked for years in a manufacturing plant, operating heavy machinery and working in an almost all-male environment. When a job opened up on the night shift at a larger manufacturing plant, she applied and was given a job operating a huge log splitter, a mechanical and technical operation that involved lifting. It also required coordinating timing with a work crew of five others and taking direction from a foreman. Shannon was “number six man” on the crew. Since the pay and benefits were so good, she wanted to make this job work because she was recently divorced and was supporting two children at home. Problems began almost immediately. When Shannon asked the foreman and the first and second men on the crew to tell her how she was doing, they made jokes, changed the subject, or taunted her with statements like “If you can’t stand the heat go back to your own kitchen.” Quickly, Shannon experienced frustration and anger and the growing realization that she was not going to receive cooperation from the crew. She talked with the few women on other shifts, who suggested she go to the foreman privately. She asked the foreman for a transfer, but no positions were open, and things became worse when the crew learned she had gone to the foreman. Her attempts to tease back, stay silent, or not show her feelings did not work. Finally, she left the job with physical disabilities exacerbated by stress and filed a lawsuit.