The theme of this chapter is personal change in your own conflicts. Three approaches to change are presented: (1) change the other person, (2) change the situation, and (3) change yourself. Conflict is most productive when it is moderated in the middle range between avoidance and escalation. The importance of change that is initiated by individuals is stressed, such as in student-teacher interactions and when the other party is resistant to change. Options for creating change when you have less power than the other party are explored. Advantages for moderated conflict, rather than conflict that is avoided or escalated, are discussed. Personal reasons for choosing avoidance are pre- sented, then excuses for avoiding are explored. A technique for changing complaints into requests is presented. Then we discuss constructive escalation as a thoughtful choice rather than an automatic reaction to conflict.

One’s personal philosophy of conflict is explored using principles of nonviolence, restraint and the reasons for restraint, and reasons for setting bound- aries. Then we present a theory of emotion and conflict, giving five principles of conflict and emo- tion. Since anger and fear are key emotions, the dynamics of both are presented in the context of conflict. Anger and fear dynamics are explored. The regulation of anger and its expression are dis- cussed, along with suggestions for communicating anger constructively. When people experience low power, they experience emotions common to that low-power state. Suggestions for constructive com- munication in low power and questions for reflec- tion on emotionally intense conflict are given. At the end of the chapter, we present dialogue as a refined kind of communication that leads to dis- covery and transformation of conflict. Key skills of fractionation and reframing are explained. Finally, specific organized formats that help regulate con- flict are presented. The Stuart conflict contain- ment model for couples is explained, then a technique for holding family meetings is suggested. Finally, some practical suggestions for crisis man- agement are presented, along with suggestions for further education in the skills of professional con- flict management.