1. List the skills you have that help you serve as a third party to others. What skills do you lack at this point?
2. Discuss some times you have effectively helped others.
3. List the times you have tried to help others and your efforts backfired.


a. How did the parties ask, directly or indirectly, for help?
b. What role did you negotiate ahead of time?
c. To whom were you closest? Whom did you know the best?
d. What process did they agree to before you intervened?
e. How could you tell that your “help” was actually making things worse?

4. What did you learn from those experiences about serving as an informal third party?

Four friends (two couples) bought land together where they were going to live in two separate houses on the land. When they began discussing the purchase, they realized that some disputes might arise. They decided up front how to split costs, how to use the land, and agreements on visitors. To further protect their relationship and investment, they reached an agreement that

• When a dispute arises, they will sit down and talk directly with the other couple and try to resolve it.
• If they are unable to work it out, they will call in a mediator agreeable to all to work the dispute through.
• If mediation is not successful, then they will seek an outside arbitrator.
• If arbitration does not work, and only as a last resort, will anyone be allowed to file a lawsuit.

They all signed the agreement, making it legally binding. They put into motion a legally binding set of mechanisms to both resolve disputes and preserve their good relationship. Because they had been proactive, over the next two years they only had two situations that arose—and they informally resolved both. If something were to “blow up,” they are ready with a productive dispute mechanism.