Select three different relationship contexts such as school, work, friendship, and romantic
relationship.
For each relationship, list the “topics” that typically arise in disputes.
Compare the list of topics across the three relationships.
Application 3.2 My Relational Goals
Take two important relationships to you, for example, a parent, romantic partner, life-long
friend, or other personal relationship. Think of a time you were upset at how he or she
treated you. Then, list the “relational issues” that arose. For example, look at the samples
of relational issues and amount of interdependence examples we gave above and
see if you can identify your key relational issues.
Application 3.3 My Criticism Log
Keep track of all the negative thoughts you have about people in your world over a few
days and jot them down in your notebook or diary. You don’t need to track the type of
relationship, who the other is, or anything else—just list the negative thoughts you have
or comments you make. Some examples are “he is so stupid,” “I can’t believe how
incompetent she is,” “he is so mean to everyone,” and “she is just power hungry.”
List all these criticisms of others, then in groups of three or four, just read them
aloud to others (don’t worry about how you sound; just say them even though they
are sometimes difficult to share).
Members of your group help you identify your two or three main “themes” for your
criticisms of others. Most of us have two or three main identity dimensions that
arise in criticisms of others. Put these “themes” in nonjudgmental or positive terms.
For example, medical doctors often say things about their colleagues such as
“he isn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer,” “she didn’t do very well in medical
school,” “I just don’t know how he became a doctor given his inability to process
all the details,” and “he isn’t very bright.” The theme of “intelligence” is clear.
Discuss with the group your main identity “themes” and how they predict with
whom you will have conflict or struggles.
